Welcome back Sis! I am praying that today serves as another reminder that you are needed in this day. You are alive and there is purpose in your taking another breath. I was praying about what to share today and I heard "Hidden". I immediately thought of so many things and a particular scripture that I will share that will tie all of this together. One of the things that I thought about was the times in the abusive relationship that I wanted to hide. I think about the beginning of that relationship and how excited I would be to see this person. We would communicate and make plans and I would look forward to the evening. He would surprise me with flowers, diamond necklaces, and sweet notes. I was so amazed by his thoughtfulness and I really believed that I had finally found a true gentleman.
In time I began to notice a struggle to be heard, seen, or even valued. Initially these things were so alarming that I immediately expressed my concerns to him. He would either disregard them or completely walk away from me as I was speaking. Sometimes he would walk away and get in the car and drive off. I couldn't believe this and it was shocking to me. I felt so small and worthless. He begin to do some of the very things that I had shared with him in the beginning of the relationship that have plagued me over my life. The things that he couldn't believe that I had endured and promised to never do if I were to be with him. I was unconscious to the subtle destructive tactics that a narcissist does. The attack is always formulated in ways that aren't necessarily easy to spot.
Of course through out the years the anger, violence, disrespect, and abuse intensified. These fights and arguments were mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually draining . I lost pieces of myself and submitted to him in ways that I couldn't perceive. I was slowly eroding and losing my own self will in order to do as he desired or often times to keep the peace. The subtle violence of a covert or vulnerable narcissist is truly sadistic. This person had a way of pretending to be so very emotional and he often presented himself as the victim in every situation. I was the one receiving the abuse, yet I would find myself apologizing to him! He would find a way to reverse the issue so that I was the problem and then he would shift the conversation in a way that would support his victimization tactics. He would do this often while crying hysterically and rehashing previous relationships of people who have mistreated him and how I was similar at that moment.
In due time I found myself pretending to be asleep when he would come home from work to avoid interaction with him altogether! I was actually hiding in my own home and within myself. This person manipulated my brokenness and presented himself as a loving caring person so that I would open my life up to him to destroy. There was a time that I couldn't wait to get dressed to go to dinner or to receive a text from him. At that present moment I was living with someone that had the desire to see me in tears, pain, and afraid. When he was home I was walking on eggshells and completely miserable. When I would hear his truck pull in to park, I wanted to hide Sis! I had to mentally prepare myself for the psychological games and try my hardest not to allow anything to penetrate my mind. I was learning that the narcissist needs access to your soul (mind, will, emotions) in order to torment you.
When I started to spend time in my bible reading and praying then that is when things begin to change. I begin to learn about who I was and how the enemy had been attacking me since I was a child and he had navigated me to this type of man and relationship to further the abuse and attacks. I begin to do more research about narcissism and the type of women who are often targeted. It is all based on your past childhood traumas, neglect from parents, childhood abuse, and so many other contributions that shaped our beliefs about ourselves. I begin to learn about my true value and worth and God begin to speak to me that it is time that I stopped believing and living a lie.
This person was only able to abuse me to the extent that I believed that lies taught to me throughout my life thus far. I received his abuse because I had always been abused in my life and somewhere deep within me I had been programmed to believe that this was all there was for me and to just make due. I had never truly been loved. I have always experienced false love from people sprinkled with harmful and damaging things aimed to break my soul. This was all merely an operating system. It needed me to remain in bondage to the lies. I decided not to hide from my fiance anymore and to hide in the secret place found in Psalm 91! Please read the entire psalm Sis. Verses 1-2 says " He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust." I stopped being afraid of this man and invited God to protect me from all that had been attacking my entire life.
Sisss! I promise you that things changed the moment that I spent time reading my bible, journaling (writing my prayers in a form of a letter to my Heavenly Father), breaking all soul ties with this person and every other relationship that I had been in prior, and hearing the word of God (which builds your faith). I gave him all those painful, terrible, disturbing things that I encountered in this life that had me so depleted in every way. The very things that I thought this man's love was going to fix, I gave them to God and he begin to heal me! It was the first time I ever felt sincerely loved, valued, and safe. The moment that I decided to hide in the word of God and in the secret place of prayer with HIm, he made arrangements for me to leave that relationship for good! It came in the form of me unlearning all the lies that held the summation of where I was and who I was at that moment in my life. When I was no longer afraid of him and needed his love then I was strengthened. I no longer believed the lies that abuse, trauma, family, isolation/alienation, or my past told me. All of the things played intricate parts in why I felt I needed to be loved and accepted by this man. When God began to heal me, then this person's power over me and the lies that I believed diminished.
I just want to share with you that anyone who invokes fear doesn't love you. Anyone who uses your traumas, fears, insecurities against you in anyway doesn't love you. If someone causes you to desire to hide whenever they are present then that isn't love. Sis, the enemy is showing himself hoping that you will remain too broken, lost, or hopeless to ever truly see him. He desires to destroy you and he needs your permission to do so. I encourage you today to give your heart to the one who will never break it. Your loving, caring, compassionate Heavenly Father.
Please utilize the contact form on my blog website to send me personal prayer request, advice about your situation, and personal questions I will respond as time permits.Sis as I am a prayer warrior/intercessor for Christ I love you sis and be blessed!
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