I Don't Want to Leave Him Because I Will Be Alone..

Hey Sis. If I am completely honest with you, I thought this very thing throughout my time in that abusive relationship. He would often do or say things that would lead me to uncontrollable tears. I would often cry myself to sleep and wonder why my life was so miserable. My thoughts would actually drift back to my childhood. I would relive the moments when I was bullied as a kid. I was always alone because of the simple fact that each room that I walked into I was attacked. I was either belittled due to being impoverished, skin riddled with cystic acne and hyperpigmentation, or because of my bushy and wild hair, eyebrows, and sideburns. I hated going to school because I could always anticipate being the center of attention in all the wrong ways. This was elementary, middle, and some portions of high school.

I spent a good deal of time alone and miserable. I hated my life! I hated my mother for the environments that we lived in. I hated my father because I never knew him, and I felt abandoned by him. I would think to myself that my life would be better if he came to rescue me, and I could live with him. Every day was a living hell. I found two friends in middle school, but I mimicked a lot of the things that they did for acceptance, and they were not godly things at all. Sexual promiscuity seemed to be the most glamorized thing to do at that time during my life. I adapted because I didn't want to be lonely anymore. When I would think about leaving the narcissist, I would literally feel the intense sensations of loneliness. I know now that it was a spirit attacking me. My mind would recount all of the times that I felt lonely in my life, and it would be so overwhelming that I would cry even harder.

I would then start to envision myself alone. My daughter wouldn't have a father figure again. We would have no one there to protect us if someone broke into the house. I thought about dining out and grocery shopping alone. She would start to experience the pain that I did when I was a little girl with no father. The next thoughts that came to me where all the nice things he had done and good times we had. I would start to convince myself that nothing is perfect and at least I had someone who wanted to stay with me when everyone else left including family members and friends. The fact is that all of those things were the components of the prison that I was in SIS!!

I was always alone in that relationship because this person didn't come to love me, they came to steal, kill, and destroy in various ways. Satan had me in a twisted state of torment within my own mind and body as I was reliving trauma and actually believing that staying with this abusive person was better than being alone. Sometimes we are living in hell right here on earth within these abusive relationships, but we are too accustomed to being treated poorly to truly even perceive that. I was being tormented by painful memories and the sensations that accompanied them and by the ongoing psychological abuse from this person.

I stayed for seven years sis! Seven years of being a slave to this person as each day they oppressed me in various ways, and I couldn't see it. I agreed that I needed to stay because he was all that I had. No one else ever stayed and no one seems to ever stay. I posted pictures on social media and posts that depicted a life opposite than what I was really living. For some sick and twisted reason, I felt that being in this relationship validated me and that the people who left would see my worth and regret mistreating me. These were people who were narcissistic as well. They could care less about me, but I was desperate to prove them wrong. If I left the relationship, then that would solidify the fact that I wasn't worth loving or committing to.

When I begin to really focus my attention on reading my bible and truly learning about my worth and value that the Holy Spirit begin to reveal to me was stripped from me long before I met the narcissist. I saw the evil role that childhood sexual abuse played in the disintegration of my value, worth, and identity. I saw the constant attacks on my sanity as I was constantly traumatized by peers and alienated from certain family members. I saw the perpetual states of feeling unsafe, unprotected, unloved, and unvalued all of my life. I had been harshly attacked by the spirit of loneliness that I would do anything to not have to endure that again. Including stay in a relationship where I wasn't happy just to avoid being alone.

Well Sis... I was never alone! As I read my bible I begin to really learn about my identity as a Daughter of The Most High God of Israel! When I would pray, I would begin to feel what felt like electricity and heat course through my hands, arms, and body. Sometimes the presence of the Holy Spirit feels like cool water flowing through your abdomen. I would pray and cry out to my Heavenly Father and then I would feel a peace that would just flow over me and soon the crying tears would be tears of joy as He would remind me of His promises to me in the Bible. He was here this entire time waiting for me to choose Him just as I had chosen all the wrong things and people in the past. I stopped agreeing with the enemy that I was worth being treated this way simply because I had always been treated this way. This is when my life began to change. I gave my life to Jesus Christ in November 2019 and in July 2020 HE DELIVERED ME OUT OF THAT ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!

I wrote my book "My Father Heard My Cry" in 2021 in only 27 days as The Holy Spirit literally guided me through writing the book as the book is actually the chapters of my life up until the point of my deliverance! If you are believing that same lie that if you leave you will be lonely, I am here to tell you that its quite the opposite. When you leave, you will find that you were never alone, but if you stay, loneliness will be inevitable! This relationship is manufactured to keep you in a repetitive cycle of hurt, trauma, pain, and torment. Jesus died for you to be free, not to be re-enslaved within a abusive relationship that is trying to masquerade as love. God is LOVE and you will finally experience real love when you choose Him.

Please utilize the contact form on my blog website to send me personal prayer request, advice about your situation, and personal questions I will respond as time permits.Sis as I am a prayer warrior/intercessor for Christ I love you sis and be blessed!