I find it interesting that when I initially met my ex fiance all that I seemed to experience was bliss! He came into my life seemingly at the perfect time because I was in the process of discarding a previous narcissist. Please keep in mind that at that present moment in time I had NO IDEA what a narcissist was or what I was initiating by discontinuing seeing him. I was aware however, that I could no longer continue to battle another woman for his affection. Once again, when you are not knowledgeable about narcissism, you don't understand the methods of grooming that they use. This previous "catalyst" narcissist was successful in triangulating me with another woman for nearly 8 months. I had finally had enough of the broken promises and chaos that were derived from that situation. My heart was yet again shattered. Instead of seeking God, I welcomed another relationship.
Of course I told everything that occured in this previous entanglement with the new person that I was dating. I did this in tears as I thoroughly explained all that happened and that I endured. My emotions were all over the place and I desperately just wanted someone to love and choose me. My ex promised to do all the things that the previous relationships failed to do. He comforted me and dried my eyes. He often cried with me ! He held me so close and begin to make those love bombing declarations that are intended to impact you emotionally, mentally, and yes spiritually. I was so afraid of being abandoned again. I experienced that through parents, family, and friends. The fear of being alone and feeling constantly unworthy of love, attention, and affection in all aspects terrorized me. I just wanted to feel wanted, needed, and desired.
Throughout the seven years in this relationship with this man, a covert narcissist, I unveiled even more about my life. He knew all of the traumas I encountered in my childhood and the abuse. I really thought that I was sharing these things with someone who loved me and would serve as a some form of comfort. I shared that I witnessed my mother being abused by men in relationships and how I used to feel so afraid and helpless because I couldn't help her. I couldn't even bear to watch movies where women are being physically attacked by men due to what I witnessed as child. I shared all of these things with this person and he pretended to sympathize.
As I reflect on my time in that relationship God begin to show me that this person learned all of my fears and triggers and begin to agitate and reactivate them. I discovered that he came to extend the fear and trauma in my life, but to do so undetected! He would subtly devalue, demean, verbally assault, and invoke fear. He would lash out so violently and uncontrollably that for split moments I was brought back to being that scared little girl with no where to run. He had been successful in encouraging me to be alienated from my family during disputes with them. I was isolated with him. Groomed to accept his various forms of abuse ( emotional. sexual, psychological, financial, verbal, physical). Fear had been aroused in heightened levels and I was trapped Sis!
During my initial stages of returning back home to the Kingdom of God I begin to learn about fear. Fear is a spirit. You may be reading this and just at that moment, I may have lost you. Sis, the Bible tells us that fear is a spirit. I was instantly interested because I had lived with various forms of fear my entire life and this one was breaking me down to little to NOTHING! It says in 2 Timothy 1:7 " For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind". If God has not given me fear, then Satan did. Fear has a purpose. Its purpose is to render you powerless, absence of love, and a unstable mind. This is the opposite of the spirit that God gives, HIS HOLY SPIRIT SIS! The words "Fear Not" is in the bible 365 times Sis! I like to believe there is one for every single day of the year as a reminder that we are not to live in fear. I came to understand that anything producing and promoting fear is of the Enemy. You are sleeping with the Enemy Sis.
I learned all of this during studying my bible and reading it. I would spend time in prayer and give all of my concerns to my Heavenly Father. Most times during prayer I would cry because I was so frustrated and angry regarding all that I had experienced in my life and that I was currently experiencing in this toxic abusive relationship. I will say that each time I just expressed what was on my mind and heart in prayer, God begin to shift my understanding and perspective and I was able to understand the cycles of failure within my life. Most of them were rooted in... yes Sis.. FEAR. I encourage you to "break -up" or end the agreement that you have made in your mind and heart regarding fear. Declare this scriptural biblical law in 2 Timothy 1:7 and demand that the spirit of fear leave in Jesus name. Continue to fill your mind with the word of God and it will eradicate all aspects of fear from your mind, body, soul, and life! You have to be intentional about this. It will take more than just one time of reading the Bible ( which contain the Supernatural Laws of this world that we live in). This spirit has been attached to you most likely your entire life and it has enjoyed tormenting you. You have to develop a "Righteous Anger" for yourself and the younger you now that God is revealing the evil ways Satan had kept us imprisoned in this life, our minds, and within this relationship. You have power as a DOTMHGOI, but you must begin to enforce it. Every knee has to bow at the name of Jesus Christ so make them bow! So FEAR NOT SIS! Run into the arms of real love. He will never abuse or misuse your desire to be loved. He loves you more than you will ever know.
WE ARE A SISTERHOOD OF THE DAUGHTERS OF THE MOST HIGH GOD OF ISRAEL AND THIS IS A SAFE SPACE. PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW AND OPEN UP AS WE ARE ALL HEALING TOGETHER AND WE NEED THE SUPPORT OF OUR SISTERS IN CHRIST. NO SISTER IS TO FEEL AS IF SHE IS ALONE. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE SIS!
*** PLEASE UTILIZE THE CONTACT FORM ON MY BLOG WEBSITE TO SEND ME PERSONAL PRAYER REQUESTS, ADVICE ABOUT YOUR SITUATION, AND PERSONAL QUESTIONS. I WILL RESPOND AS TIME PERMITS SIS AS I AM A PRAYER WARRIOR/INTERCESSOR FOR CHRIST. I LOVE YOU SIS AND BE BLESSED!***
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